Inverse: Or, the Slayers Frankenstein
by Laziness Incarnate
Summary: Proudly parodying Mary Shelley's novel Frankenstein, a la Slayers. Have you had your brain today? [On hold]
1. All Men are Created Ugly

  


The castle is dark and gloomy and all Gothic-like, with hideous stone gargoyles alighting its decrepit terraces, stairways, toilets--everything! Enlightened Buddhists who make the mistake of entering end up screaming for their mommies at this travesty of interior decorating. 

But the horror that is the castle is nothing--absolutely NOTHING--compared to the delightfully weird and disgusting laboratory beneath it. For this lab, not the castle, is the true abode of the slightly-mad sorceress, the dreaded Lina Inverse! 

(Cue Baroque music and cheesy lightning effect) 

This is where she conducts her profane experiments, where she commits her crimes against nature. Where-- 

Lina: Shut up and get on with it, or I'll fireball you back to Happy Narrator Land. 

Aiding the sorceress is her equally deformed assistant (though Lina is deformed in mind, not body), a vaguely human-shaped chimera. 

Zel: I resent that. 

Stop interrupting me! Oh forget it, let's just scrap the all-important suspense-building intro since no one reads these things anyway. 

* * *

**INVERSE   
Or, the Slayers Frankenstein**

A brilliant retelling of   
Mary Shelley's Gothic horror   
is not here. Sorry. 

* * *

**Chapter 1: All Men are Created Ugly**

  


Lina and Zelgadis are in the lab, surrounded by jars filled with eyeballs, intestines, parts of Elvis, hearts, stars and rainbows, and _who knows what else!_ They seem to be putting together a human body. 

Zel: (bored) _Master_, here's your missing brain. (Seems to be struggling not to crack a joke) 

Lina: Thanks! Now I can put it in the...head...oh ew, this is just so disgusting! *Sigh* Tell me, Zel, why am I doing this anyway? What's my purpose here? 

Zel: You're not going to get psychologically profound on me, are you? 

Lina: Hell no! I was talking about the practical purposes. I mean, if I've got enough magical power to do this--to give LIFE, for L-sama's sake!--then I should be-- 

Zel: It's not for L-sama's sake, it's for your own sake. 

Lina: You know what I mean! If I'm this friggin' powerful, why do I need to create a magic-user to help me? 

Zel: (undertone) Well, you are lazy... 

Lina: (not hearing) And if I'm so rich, why don't I just hire someone? 

Zel: (undertone) Well, you do hate shelling out money...(louder) You're rich in this story? 

Lina: I figure since I've got this big-ass castle with all these freaky-ass stone gargoyles, plus this kick-ass magical equipment here in the lab, I must be pretty well off. 

Zel: Oh, actually, the castle was really cheap because it's built on radioactive land. Didn't I tell you? 

Lina: Okay, I see--WHAT!? 

Zel: You were too lazy to go real-estate hunting yourself, so you told me to buy you a, I quote, 'huge-ass Gothic castle in bad taste, with lots of weird-ass gargoyles', and handed me all of _seventy gold pieces_. I think I was pretty damn lucky to find this place for such a low price, even if it is radioactive. The former owner was a bit of a nutcase named...um, Zilla, I think. God Zilla. Awfully pretentious name-- 

Lina: I'm gonna DIE! I'm gonna sprout three arms or glow fluorescent green or something! 

Zel: Don't be a drama queen. We'll just have a strong white magic-user cast Dicleary on you to remove the radiation poisoning. Amelia could do it. 

Lina: Oh, okay. Wait...Amelia? No, not HER! WAAAHHH!!! 

Zel: (annoyed) What _is_ it with you whenever I mention someone from your old home? You go into convulsions even at the thought of going back. And if I say Luna's name... 

Lina: (convulses) 

Zel: ... 

Lina: Look, there's a good reason for this. You've never actually met my (shudder) sister, have you? 

Zel: No, I haven't, and I don't intend to. 

Lina: But you've met Amelia. Isn't that enough of a horror story for you? 

Zel: Ugh. Point. The Justice Freak. 

Lina: The Pink Fairy Queen. 

Zel: The Annoying Parasite. 

Lina: The Cavity-Inducer. 

Zel: The--hey, isn't she your best friend? 

Lina: Yeah, so? 

Zel: Never mind. Forgot who I was talking to. 

Lina: Anywho, you see what kind of sucky home life I have to put up with? It's no wonder I made up some line about 'furthering my education' so I could get away! Ptht! Education! Who needs it? I'm completely self-educated, and look where it's gotten me today! 

Zel: That would explain a lot. 

Lina: Hmm? What was that? 

Zel: Nothing. So, you have no qualms about abandoning your household...but don't you feel bad about leaving Gourry behind? 

Lina: No, why **should** I? 

Zel: Ah...nevermind. Let's get to work on building this creature, shall we? 

* * *

And so, Lina Inverse and her trusty assistant create a human being. It is a long and arduous task, requiring patience... 

Lina: Crap, this is too hard! Let's just make this guy huge so the little parts are easier to work with. 

...scientific precision... 

Lina: Hand me the welder, willya, Zel? Its vertebrae keep falling off. 

...and lots of gross body parts. 

Lina: Ew! Zel, _you_ go rob the graves and gather the rotting corpses...oh ew Ew EWW!!! 

(We'll skip the bits where Lina has to put together the more...embarrassing parts of her creation's anatomy) 

Finally, after several long months of toiling (most of the toiling being done by Zelgadis, with Lina taking every scrap of credit) in the dark sanctum of the laboratory, the creature's body is completed. Lina and Zel are standing beside it, ready to give it life. 

Its stiff body lying on the cold steel table is monstrously huge, at least seven feet tall. Its clothes, being chosen by Lina, are of questionable taste, and, strangely, are a priest's attire (this time the culprit is Lina's twisted sense of humour). Its pale hand clenches a sorcerer's staff in a death-like grip. Oddly, the staff is held up in the air so that it is perpendicular to the table the monster lies on. The creature's pale, delicately-featured face is framed by longish (for a man) strands of straight purple hair. In fact, it looks like nothing so much as-- 

Zel: Xellos. A taller version of Xellos. 

Lina: Shut up, Xellos doesn't show up 'til second season, and besides, I designed my creature to be _good looking_. 

Xellos: And what's that supposed to mean? 

Lina: Ack! Don't do that to me. You're not supposed to be here! Shoo! 

Xellos: (pouting) Fine. But I'll be back! (poofs away) 

Lina: Phew. 

Zel: (Choosing to ignore the whole Xellos thing) Lina, why's your creature so huge? Is it a subconscious response to your own lack of height? 

Lina: Hey! You're not exactly the picture of manly height yourself! 

Zel: So you want to be manly? 

Lina: FIREBALL! 

Zel: (twitching) It was just a question. 

Lina: It was a bad question. Let's just hurry up and finish this; how do we get this thing to come alive? 

Zel: We have to wait for a lightning storm, and hope that a lightning bolt will hit the weathervane, and it should cause a powerful surge of electricity that will be conducted to the electrodes attached to the staff which will create a potential difference of-- 

Lina: All right, already! Let's wait for that lightning storm. 

(Waiting)   
...   
...   
... 

Lina: (ominously) I'm getting hungry. 

(Waiting)   
...   
... 

Lina: Screw it, I'm doing this my way! DIGU VOLT! 

(Electricity arcs in Lina's usual overkillable, uncontrolled fashion. Fortunately, it doesn't singe anything important, only a few jars of eyeballs, ears, and Zelgadis. And...the metal staff held skyward by the creature attracts the brunt of the electrical attack. A riveting jolt courses through its body. Slowly, jerkily, it begins to sit up.) 

Lina: (laughing maniacally) BWAH HA HA!! It's alive...It's ALIVE!....L-sama, what happened to its hair? 

Zel: I think its hair is standing up like that because of the electrocution. Personally, I think it looks pretty good. 

Lina: (looking at Zel's own gravity-defying hairstyle) You would. 

(The creature is now sitting up fully, looking bewildered, its hands reaching out. But...) 

Zel: Its eyes are still closed. 

Lina: No shit, sherlock! Damn! I wonder how my creation could be imperfect? 

Zel: Maybe because the creator is imperfect? 

Lina: (casually) Flare Arrow. He should be able to open his eyes. I designed him to have a fully functioning adult body! 

Xellos: 'Fully functioning adult body'? Is that to...satisfy you, Lina? 

Lina: (Not so casually) XELLOS!! YOU DIE!! MEGA BRANDO!!! 

Zel: That was disturbing. 

Creature: Whazzuh? 

Zel: Lina, look! It's trying to communicate. 

(Again, the creature reaches out blindly, like a newborn baby, for someone to take its hand.) 

Lina: GET OUT OF THE STORY, XELLOS! DEMONA CRYSTAL!! 

(Zelgadis looks at the pitiful, unloved creature, who is trying to just _touch_ someone, anyone!) 

Zel: Sorry, I'm not that kind of guy. 

Creature: What kind of guy? 

Zel: You....can talk? How did you learn...? 

Creature: Ot play evice day. 

Lina: (done toasting Xellos) Gwah! It talked! It talked really good! 

Creature: I speak *well*. And I do not enjoy being referred to as an 'it'. 

Lina: ...Then again, who said talking is a good thing? 

Zel: Interesting statement, coming from you. 

Lina: Ha ha. Look, I'm really tired. We'll deal with this creature-thing tomorrow. Let's lock up the lab and go to sleep. 

Zel: Fine. 

(Lina and Zel step out of the door to the lab.) 

Creature: Hey, what about-- 

(SLAM!) 

Creature: Never mind. 

* * *

(The next day, in the lab) 

Creature: I'm bored. And hungry. 

... 

Creature: All there is to do down here is stumble around and knock down all these funny glass jars with mushy organic substances in them, then comically slip on the unidentifiable goop I've spilled on the floor, except no one is here to appreciate my hijinks. And I'm really getting hungry here, but I can't see if any of these jars hold edible food in this dark room! Although it doesn't really matter either way that it's dark to me-- 

(The lab door opens.) 

Creature: Finally! My creator has returned to tell me my purpose! And hopefully give me some grub. 

Lina: Maybe we should chuck this creature out, Zel. I don't want to have to deal with a blind person. 

Creature: Or not. 

Zel: Don't be so hasty. For all we know, it might have phenomenal magical ability. 

Lina: (greedy look) True...hey, creature, c'mere! 

Creature: Could you...stop calling me that, please? 

Lina: What, you want a name or something? (The idea is obviously new to Lina) 

Creature: That would be nice. 

Lina: All right then, a name...hm...got one! Creature, I henceforth dub thee Rezo, the Red Priest! 

Rezo: That's a pretty cool name. Sounds rather...villainous. 

Lina: I got it from switching around the letters in 'zero'. 

Zel: And you're wearing red because it's the only fabric we had left to make your clothes. Lina was too cheap to buy new things for you. 

Rezo: ...Well, that makes my self-esteem positively skyrocket. Whoosh! There it goes! 

Lina: When did you learn sarcasm....ah. You've been around Zelgadis for more than five minutes. Anywho, Rezo, I'm Lina Inverse, your creator! I hold the strings of your existence, so if you plan on living you better obey me! 

Rezo: (eagerly) Of course, creator! But first, are you going to teach me more about this life thing? Everything is so new and wondrous to me that I can't wait to learn! 

Lina: Good, 'cause you're learning magic (Slams a heavy spellbook down in front of Rezo). I expect you to have this memorized by tomorrow. 

Rezo: (Flipping through book) Hmm? What are these squiggly lines and things? 

Lina: Those are runes, you moron! 

Zel: He can't read, Lina. He was literally born yesterday, after all. 

Lina: Then why the hell can he talk like a book-learned scholar? 

Rezo: It's a secret. 

Zel: It's a plot device. 

Lina: What good are you to me if you can't do magic, you big, red twit? You'll just be a liability, eating up all my food and acting annoying while you do it! 

Zel: Kind of like Naga. Except he lacks that...endearing laugh of hers. And her taste in clothing, thank L-sama for small favours. 

Rezo: L-sama? Who's L-sama--hey, why are you blue? 

Zel: (touchy) A crazy sorceress used me as a subject for her experiments, and turned me into a chimera. 

Rezo: Oh, you mean there are _more_ crazy sorceresses out there? 

Zel: Yep. Scary, but true. 

(Lina has been getting angrier and angrier throughout the conversation.) 

Lina: (sweetly) Rezo...please follow me, will you? 

Rezo: Whatever for? 

Lina: I've got a surprise for you. 

Rezo: Oooh, goody! I love surprises. Well, I think I do. Haven't been around long enough to really know. 

Zel: Trust me, you're going to be very surprised. Inverse surprised. 

(The innocent newborn Red Priest follows Lina out of the lab, through the winding hallways of the castle, and onto a balcony) 

Lina: You can't see it, but if you walk a few steps forward you'll get your surprise. 

Rezo: What is it? Is it a pickle? I'm awfully hungry, you know. I can't seeWAAAHAAAAHHHhhhh!!! 

(Predictably, he falls to his doom off the balcony.) 

Lina: (pleased) That settles that. 

* * *

(A little later, in the Inverse Laboratory) 

Zel: (Doing a chemical titration) Work, work, work, that's all I do! If only we'd kept whatsisface around to do the manual labour for that bloody slavedriver... 

Lina: What was that, Zel? 

Zel: Er, ah, nothing. I was just thinking, it's kind of a shame you killed Rezo. I was just starting to bond with the big guy. 

Lina: ...that's rather ironic. 

Zel: Doesn't matter now. Even if the creature is dead and all your research came to nothing, I've still fulfilled my five-year contract. So I get free use of the lab for a year, as you promised. 

Lina: Fine, fine. Just make sure you don't break anything. 

Zel: I'm not the one who broke the transmogrifier _six times_ because of repeated temper tantrums. 

Lina: (dangerously) You wanna see a _real_ temper tantrum, Stone Boy? 

Zel: (deftly changing the subject) Ah, I almost forgot; you got a letter from Gourry. 

Lina: Gourry knows how to write letters? 

Zel: I'm assuming Amelia or someone helped him. Here, read it. 

* * *

Dear Lina,   
Hi! I hope you're doing good over there. We're pretty good over here, except everyone's crying for some reason. I can't remember why right now, but I think it's _really_ important. Amelia told me to write this letter to you asking you to come home right away. She said she's too "mentholly distraught" to write. When I asked her what breath freshener has to do with it, she just burst into tears again. But Amelia's always been kind of strange, you know?   
Anyway, come home quick, Lina. No one knows what to do, and your sister's not around to handle things. She got a waitressing job in France last week. 

We miss you,   
Gourry 

p.s. I remember the important thing now! I think someone died or something. 

* * *

Lina: Crap. Zel, I'm going home. Family crisis, plus it's a good opportunity 'cause Luna's away. 

Zel: A good opportunity to finally get hitched with Gourry, you mean. 

Lina: What...you...I don't...argh! GAAV FLARE! 

(Zel gets really crispy.) 

Lina: You deserved that. 

Zel: (twitches) Don't you think a Gaav Flare was a little much? 

Lina: Nope. 

Zel: Thought so. 

Lina: While I'm gone, I expect you to keep the castle perfectly clean. The floors have to be waxed once a day, and the gargoyles hand-polished, and the garbage taken out, and-- 

Zel: That's why you hired the cleaning staff. 

Lina: I fired them all five minutes ago. 

Zel: ...I refuse to do this. I'm not your caretaker. 

Lina: Yes, you are, although 'servant' is the more exact word. It's in the small print of our contract. 

Zel: I didn't see any...wait, was it in that bit of poetry at the bottom? 

Lina: Yep. 

Zel: Goddamn Romantic poets. You really are a witch, you know that? 

Lina: Hey, a deal's a deal. Don't forget to feed the cat. 

* * *

Unbeknowest to Lina, Rezo is not quite dead. He luckily fell into the castle's huge landfill of garbage, and so survived Lina's little murder attempt. He crawls out pitifully from a pile of Lina's discarded chicken bones. 

Rezo: How can this be? How could you, my creator, discard such a good and innocent creature as me?...actually, that's pretty normal behavior, for her. 

Some poor sob: You get used to it. 

Rezo: Who are you? 

Some poor sob: Kahran Ramsus. Another man of untapped potential who was tossed into the trash by an uncaring creator-- 

Rezo: Don't interrupt my soliloquoy. (Instinctively fireballs Ramsus to a crisp) 

Ramsus: Wah! 

Rezo: W-what? What just happened? Did I...? 

(The Red One realizes that when he raised his hand in a dismissive gesture, he somehow subconsciously willed a flaming ball of death into existence as well. Realizing the implications, he smiles in a not-so-good-and-innocent way.) 

Rezo: So...looks like I don't need to be taught magic after all. I was _born_ with natural ability and knowledge! Magic is my birthright! I am far, far superior to my foolish creator. Beware, Lina Inverse, for I shall take my revenge upon you for throwing me to the seagulls...seagulls? 

(Rezo notices that a large number of seagulls are congregating around the delectable smells of the trash pile, and many of them are pecking at the bits of food on his robes.) 

Rezo: ...but first, I'll take a bath. 

* * *

Author's Notes: 

That trashy Ramsus fellow is from Xenogears. No, there will be no more RPG character cameos, I already feel vaguely ashamed using this one. 

I've had this, er, monster, sitting on my hard drive for the longest time now. One day, I really will finish this, but it'll be slow going, I promise you. 

This tale is based on the fact that I've had to study Mary Shelley's novel _three bloody times, three bloody years in a row_, and I never liked reading it even in the beginning. Plus, I was quite disappointed with the end of the first season of Slayers, which was trying to touch on all the same philosophical themes that every semi-serious monster flick does--but did it badly. Not nearly as badly as the most recent _Frankenstein_ movie, though. Get thee hence, Kenneth Branagh! Oblivion awaits thee! 

So, does anyone want to start fudging around with the themes of _Frankenstein_? Why, the switching of the genders of most of the cast already produces astounding implications! For one thing, we can throw out that whole 'usurpation of female reproduction' thing out the window. Yes! Let's write scholarly papers! What joy! 

But first, here's a partial cast list: 

Lina as Victor Frankenstein   
Rezo as the monster   
Gourry as Elizabeth, fiance   
Zelgadis as Fritz/Igor/Loyal Lackey   
Amelia as Henry Clerval, best friend   
Xellos as himself   
Luna as herself 

Note: Luna and Xellos won't be getting much screen time, sorry. 

Oh, and if fanfiction.net allowed it, this story would have a black background and Bach's Toccata in A minor (I think) playing. Cheesiness is key. 

  



	2. Home is Where the Murder is

**Chapter 2: Home is Where the Murder is**

  


The trip home is, for Lina, pretty boring, except for that bit where she was standing by a stormy lake and contemplating Gourry's ambiguous letter, and thought she saw her creation nearby, illuminated by flashing lightning--but that was probably just her imagination, even if it did scare the crap out of her, so we'll pretend it never happened for her sanity's sake. Besides, her sanity's already going to receive the test of a lifetime when she gets home... 

Amelia: LINA-SAN! Thank L-sama you're finally home! (gives her a crushing hug) Oh, Lina-san, it's awful! Just absolutely awful! It's a travesty of all that is just and righteous, it's-- 

Lina: Get on with it. Oh yeah, and it's nice to see you too, Amelia. 

Amelia: I don't know how to break this to you gently, but...Martina-san...is dead! 

Lina: Oh no!...who? 

Amelia: You know who! She's been your loyal maid for months now! She was the most caring, kind-hearted person... 

Lina: You mean the cackling girl in the bikini who ingratiated her way into my household so she could take her revenge on me for blowing up her kingdom and for being an all-around cooler person than her? 

Amelia: ...yeah, her. 

Lina: But she's not supposed to show up until NEXT! 

Amelia: What? 

Lina: Never mind. What happened to her? 

Amelia: I...oh, I can't speak of it, Lina-san! It's too awful! My justice-loving heart is bursting with sorrow at her cruel fate! 

Lina: That's nice, but could you just _tell me_ what the hell-- 

Amelia: Why don't you ask Gourry-san to tell you what happened? He's the one who's been most involved in this tragic affair, and it would do him good to speak to you, his wife-to-be. 

Lina: (spluttering) I'm not...! 

Amelia: (pushing Lina to Gourry's door) Please, Lina-san! He's been so upset the past few days, and you know how awful it is to see Gourry-san upset. Go console him; I think he blames himself for Martina's death. 

* * *

Gourry: Who? Marvina? 

Lina: MARTINA, you idiot! 

Gourry: You mean the leader of the Protestant Revolution? 

Lina: No, that's MARTIN LUTHER, and...hey, how did you know about the Protestant Revolution? 

Gourry: The what? 

Lina: (sigh) Forget it. Just...you've got to remember Martina. Amelia said you were somehow involved in her death. 

Gourry: Oh, THAT Martina. (suddenly turns sad) It's all my fault she's dead... 

Lina: I highly doubt that, Gourry! You could never hurt a (semi) friend like her, even if she was annoying. 

Gourry: (miserably) But I did, Lina. 

They pause awkwardly, at which point Lina gently pats him on the shoulder and gives him words of encouragement, which somehow work to uplift his spirits since she's his love interest. 

Lina: It's okay, Gourry. I know you, and you don't have a malicious bone in your body. You're...you're always there for all of us. 

Gourry: (smiling weakly) Thanks Lina...but... 

Lina: (heart thumping) Yes? 

Gourry: What does 'malicious' mean? 

Lina: ...you _so_ ruined the mood. 

Gourry: Huh? 

Lina: Jellyfish brain. Now, tell me what happened. I know it's hard for you to talk about it, but I need to know. I hate to say it, but--ugh, I sound like Amelia--justice must be served or something. We'll avenge Martina's death. 

Gourry: Okay...well, Martina got executed for stealing and breaking your family's treasure. 

Lina: She...STOLE our beloved family treasure?! ...Wait, I have a family treasure? My sister must have neglected to mention it, as per usual. What is it exactly? 

Gourry: I don't really know, but it looks like a small statue of some kind. 

Lina: Hm...must be something special, maybe magical. For once, I wish my sister was here so I could ask her about it. 

Gourry: You want your sister to be here? That's a first. 

Lina: Temporary insanity, my dear Gourry. So, how were you involved with Martina's crime? 

Gourry: I'm...I'm the one who found the statue on her. 

Lina: And how did you do that? 

Gourry: Well, she was out shopping one day, and when she got back she kind of...threw herself at me. Literally. 

Lina: (dangerously) I see. Go on. 

Gourry: So I...reflexively hung onto her. You know, so she wouldn't fall. 

Lina: Right. 

Gourry: And I felt something sticking out from her body under my hand... 

Lina: Grrrr...GOURRY!!! 

Gourry: No, wait! It was the statue sticking out! The statue oh god I don't wanna die...! 

Lina: Oh. Then what happened? 

Gourry: (sighing in relief) When I asked her what the jagged thing on her was, she looked all surprised and took it out of her cape. It was the statue, but it was broken down the middle! She stared at it for a while, then started saying it was a gift from that Dumbell Goobstar guy and doing that creepy laugh of hers, which got everyone's attention in the house and your sister saw the statue and got really mad and Martina got thrown in jail and tried and executed even though I said she didn't steal it so now she's dead. 

Lina: Whoa, whoa, back up a minute! You said you think she didn't steal it, but how can you be sure, knowing her? She might have been acting surprised about finding the statue to fool you. 

Gourry: Definitely not. Maybe the last time with the silverware it was her who stole it, but this time I know it wasn't her. She must have been framed. 

Lina: Waitaminute, she stole our silverware?! 

Gourry: Yeah, I thought you knew about that. She took the tablecloths and the good China too. 

Lina: (pounds Gourry to a pulp) That lying little THIEF! Why didn't you tell me, you numbskull?! 

Gourry: (pulpy) @_@ 

Lina: Oh, forget it. So how do you know she didn't steal the statue, if she stole every other freaking valuable in my house? 

Gourry: I just...I _know_, okay? I could tell. She genuinely didn't know she was carrying that statue. 

Lina: All right, I'll trust you on this one, Gourry. When you're this sure about something, you're usually right. But...it doesn't explain why she got executed for a simple theft. 

Gourry: Well, I think she got a murder charge too, when we found the guards around your family vault were dead. And there was a lot of blood on the statue. 

Lina: And you somehow forgot to mention that earlier? 

Gourry: Er... 

Lina: Still, it doesn't make any sense! If Martina did get into my vault, she would have stolen a lot more than just one measly statue! And that's pretty circumstantial evidence, for the murder part. 

Gourry: They found some bombs on her too. I think she really _was_ planning to kill you. 

Lina: ...Good riddance to her, then! But the whole thing still bothers me, because the real murderer is still out there, somewhere...and we have no idea who it is. 

Gourry: Not really. I saw the culprit. 

Lina: WHAT!? Why didn't you report it to the authorities, stupid?! 

Gourry: (hurt) I did! But...no one believed me 'cause I didn't have any evidence. They didn't believe me when I told them I thought Martina was framed either. 

Lina: (guiltily) Oh. I'm, uh...sorry, Gourry. 

Gourry: That's okay, Lina. You didn't mean any harm. You're just being you. 

Lina: What's that supposed to mean? 

(Gourry deftly switches topics, proving he does have _some_ survival instinct.) 

Gourry: I saw what the real thief looks like when I went down into the vault to look at the crime scene. I was searching around for any sort of clue, when I saw this guy standing in the shadows. He was acting all smug, and said, 'I hope the young lady enjoys her gift', whatever that means. I would have done something, but I couldn't move! I think it was a spell. Then he left after mocking my hair for a bit. 

Lina: How typically villainous. What did he look like? 

Gourry: Well, he was carrying a big stick or something, and he was dressed in priest's clothes, I think, and his hair was purple. 

Lina: Ack! Must be Xellos! Did he keep saying, 'That is a secret' and wagging his finger around in an irritating manner? 

Gourry: What are you talking about? Have you been sniffing the amniotic fluid again? 

Lina: ...How do you know about amniotic fluid? _I_ don't even know what amniotic fluid is. 

Gourry: Anyway, the guy was pretty weird looking. He was really tall, even taller than me. 

Lina: (realization dawning) Oh my L-sama...did he have a hairstyle kind of like Zel's? 

Gourry: Now that I think about it...yeah, he did. Really quite in bad taste, and his _clothes_-- 

Lina: And...were his eyes closed? 

Gourry: Oh right, that too! Didn't I mention that? 

Lina: Shit. 

* * *

(Lina and Gourry trudge into the library, where Amelia is waiting for them.) 

Amelia: Do you understand the whole tragic situation now, Lina-san? How Martina-san was framed by a mysterious evil villain who must be punished by the Hammer of JUSTICE? 

Lina: Yeah, I understand. More than I want to know. The only thing Gourry left out--after I wrung as much info out of him as I could--was about the statue. What exactly _is_ the family treasure? 

Gourry: I know! It must be those family jewels things my drinking buddies always talk about. 

(Lina whacks Gourry.) 

Amelia: (blushing) No! The orihalcon statue itself isn't actually the treasure. It's what was _inside_ it that's so valuable. If anyone with an unjust heart were to get his hands on it-- 

Lina: What IS it, dammit! 

Amelia: (nervously) Look, she told me to keep this a secret-- 

Lina: Who? 

Amelia: Luna. 

Lina: (convulses) 

Amelia: Whoops! Sorry, I forgot about your...reaction to your sister's name. 

Lina: (still twitching) You can make it up to me by telling me about the family treasure. 

Amelia: All right, just don't mention this to you-know-who. The family treasure that was hidden inside the statue is...the Philosopher's Stone. 

(Ba-da-boom) 

Lina: We...own...THAT!? 

Gourry: Technically, you _used to_ own it. 

Lina: ARGH!! Don't remind me! Do you know what I've lost, Gourry? Do you know what the Philosopher's Stone can do? 

Gourry: What, does it turn lead into gold or something? 

Lina: No, but it's almost as good as that. It's a ludicrously powerful magical amplifier that can make Joe Schmoe the Hack Magic-User into a freakin' powerful sorcerer! 

Gourry: Wow! Does Phil's Stone look like a piece of charcoal? 

Amelia: (gasping) How did you know that? 

Gourry: You know that guy with the bad haircut I saw in the vault? He was holding the stone and making it glow. Is that a bad thing? 

Lina: Double shit. 

* * *

The day passes with a heavy tension, an overwhelming doom of impending catastrophe hanging in the air. It's pretty normal stuff. So is the loud arguing at the dinner table, but this time it's not over food. 

Lina: I still say we should be out there searching for the murderer! I can't stand waiting around like this! 

Amelia: But it's too dangerous to go after him! We have to plan out the best way to find him while we're safe and together like this. 

Gourry: Don't worry, Lina. The answer'll come to us. 

Lina: What, by sitting here on our butts while he's out there galivanting around with the Philosopher's Stone? You think he'll just come around and ring the doorbell-- 

(Ding dong!) 

Gourry: See, I told you it would work! 

Lina: Shut up. 

(Amelia goes to answer the door. A moment later, Lina and Gourry hear a high-pitched voice squealing 'Zelgadis-san!', and Amelia re-enters the dining room clutching a certain irritated chimera.) 

Amelia: Look, everyone! Zelgadis-san must have heard the forces of Justice are gathering to battle evil, so he came here to help us with our search! 

Zel: Actually, I just ran out of eyeballs back at the castle. Could you spare any of yours here, Lina? 

Gourry: No, I think Lina needs her eyeballs. You know, for seeing? 

Amelia: (sigh) That's not what he means, Gourry-san. 

Lina: Never mind the eyeballs! You've got great timing, Zelgadis. Sounds suspiciously like a plot device, but I'm okay with that. Now you can help us search for Martina's murderer. 

Zel: Who's Martina? 

Lina: We'll fill you in on the details later, but right now we're looking for (gives Zel a meaningful look) a very tall man in priest's robes carrying a staff, who has hair kind of like yours. 

Zel: Hey, that sounds like...(Lina glares at him)...nobody I know. 

Lina: Of course it doesn't sound like anybody we know, because we absolutely don't know this person! Right, Zel? 

Zel: Uh... 

Lina: Good! Now, let's come up with the search plan, shall we? I think we should split up into two groups to track down Martina's murderer, with me and Gourry in one group and-- 

Zel: I never said I would help. I didn't even know this Martina person. Why should I-- 

Lina: The murderer has the Philosopher's Stone. 

Zel: (shuts up) 

Lina: Okay, Zel and Amelia, you guys stick around near here, just in case Rez--uh, the murderer comes back to taunt me again, like many an idiot villain. You know how to deal with him if he shows up. 

Amelia: Fireball his ass to a crisp? 

Lina: Hardly anything so crude, Amelia. Call me back and I'll Dragon Slave his ass to Hell. He's much too dangerous for you to take on without me, since he's got the Philosopher's Stone. 

Zel: So I take it he knows magic now? How did that happen? 

(Amelia turns her wide, inquisitive eyes toward Zel.) 

Amelia: What are you talking about, Zelgadis-san? You sound as if you know him. 

Zel: Eh? Well, um, uh... 

Lina: Look, it's a five-headed nougat demon! 

Amelia: Ooh, ooh! Where? I love nougat! 

Gourry: What's nougat? 

(Meanwhile, Lina baps Zelgadis on the head as a reminder to keep his big, fat mouth shut.) 

Zel: Ow! You know you can't keep your creature a secret forever, Lina. 

Lina: (undertone) Shh! I don't want them to know about it! 

(Gourry gives Lina an uncharacteristically thoughtful look, but no one notices.) 

Lina: Sorry, false alarm, no nougat demon. Let's get back on topic, people. 

Amelia: So Zelgadis-san and I will be searching around town for the murderer, right? What about you two? 

Lina: Hm...we'll strike out and search the countryside, starting with the Alps. 

Amelia: Why would he hide in the mountains? I would think he'd head to the border... 

Lina: Why, dramatic convention, of course! Those ridiculously treacherous, snow-laden mountains are just perfect for our fateful meeting! 

Zel: Plus, let's just say he's probably not exactly human. 

Lina: Ah haha! What a kidder you are, Zelgadis! Why would he be anything but a perfectly normal person? 

Gourry: Because with you, nothing's ever normal? 

Lina: I'd be fire-balling you if it weren't the sad truth. Okay, enough time wasted! Let's go out and find the creep who dared to cross Lina Inverse! 

Amelia: Oh, Lina-san! I'm filled with the most happiest absolute joy at your enthusiasm to serve Justice to Martina's murderer! 

Lina: Yeah, well, you know what they say about Justice; it's a dish best served with a side order of ass-kicking. 

Amelia: Really? People are saying that? 

Lina: No. 

Amelia: Oh. I guess my daddy's teachings haven't spread to the general public yet after all. 

Lina: ...I swear, your family has the most twisted sense of justice. 

Zel: Just be glad you aren't the one who has to spend the next few days with her. 

Lina: I know! Isn't it great how it worked out like that? 

Gourry: (smiling) Yeah, it'll be nice to spend time with you after you've been away for so long. 

Lina: Uh... 

Amelia: Oooooh, it's so romantic! 

Lina: ARRGH!! It's not like that! Let's just go start searching before I kill someone. I'm sick of you people already. Amelia, make sure you fill Zelgadis in on everything he's missed so far, in painfully exquisite detail. 

Amelia: Okay! 

Zel: Why have I got a bad feeling about this? ...Oh yeah, because I have a bad feeling about everything. 

* * *

Author's notes: So the plot thickens, like a badly made cream sauce. Yeah. 

Here's a big thank you for reviewers! I love you all. For those of you worrying about your favorite Slayers characters dying off...well, keep on worrying! This is cheesy Gothic horror after all. Bwa ha ha! 

Next chapter, a reunion with Rezo. Boy, I'm moving through the Frankenstein plot pretty quickly, aren't I? Must a be a reaction against the plodding pace of the novel. My apologies if you actually like the novel, by the way. 


	3. A Meeting of Monsters

**Chapter 3: A Meeting of Monsters**

  


The mountain holds an untamed, sublime beauty, that speaks of L-sama's infinity in its grandiose conception. Its purely white snow is untouched by man's soiled hands; it is a beauty to defrost the most icicle-like hearts, to make even the most cold and worldly humans hesitant to deface such pristine whiteness-- 

Lina: FIREBALL! 

And then, there's Lina Inverse. 

Lina: Whew! It's pretty hard work getting through the snow. 

Gourry: Especially when you have to carry someone else on your shoulders... 

Lina: Stop whining, Gourry! I'm clearing away all the snow in front of you with my fire spells, and you're always saying I'm a skinny little stick, so it shouldn't be too hard to carry me. Besides, I need to conserve my strength in case we find the murderer and he puts up a fight. 

Gourry: But what about conserving _my_ strength? 

Lina: Be a man! (suddenly becomes serious) But to tell you the truth, Gourry, if this guy has the Philosopher's Stone, I don't think you'll be able to get near him with your sword. You'll have to leave all the fighting up to me. 

Gourry: There's no way I'll let you fight on your own! And besides, I got a few tricks up my scabbard...hey, what was that? 

Lina: I saw something too! Look, I think it's a person! Wearing red... 

Gourry: I think we found our murderer, Lina. And he's coming here. Flying. 

Lina: Flying...do you know what this means, Gourry? 

Gourry: What, that he's definitely a sorcerer? 

Lina: No, we could have flown up too, dammit! Why didn't you think of that before, idiot?! 

Gourry: I did, but I didn't want you taxing yourself too much. Plus, flying gives me the willies. Here he comes. 

(The man, who is indeed wearing red robes, flies in for a gentle landing. He wears an expression of the purest, deepest hate, the sort that can sate a Mazoku's hunger for days. His sightless eyes scan the melted path of slushy snow Lina created with her fireballs.) 

Rezo: Inverse. Still always at odds with nature, I see. 

Lina: What's your point? 

Rezo: Who knows. All I know is that you, my _creator_, have abandoned me, and-- 

Gourry: She's your what?! 

Lina: Ah ha ha!! You didn't hear that, Gourry! Let's KILL him, now!! Kill him, KILL him! ...Please? 

Gourry: Hold it, Lina. I want to hear what he has to say. 

Rezo: Ah, so you've yet to tell your lover about your little secret, Inverse? About the abomination you created and tried to destroy! 

(Lina looks at her toes miserably.) 

Lina: I guess the giant ravening monster's out of the bag now. 

Gourry: You...created him? This man, who framed Martina and stole your family treasure? 

Lina: Yeah. 

Gourry: That's so neat! Can you teach me to make people too? 

Rezo: ...You're all depraved. 

Lina: You're not mad at me, Gourry? You don't think I'm an awful person, you don't think I'm responsible for Martina's death? 

Gourry: Naw. I'm sure you had good intentions, and it's not your fault if your creation's a heartless bastard. 

Rezo: (sputtering) _I'm_ not the heartless bastard here! Do you know what this so-called woman has put me through? She created me, gave me enormous power, then left me to die in a trash heap! I survived, but I am an outcast from society! My blindness will never, ever let me enjoy the ordinary joys of society--I don't have a family, or even a home, I can't watch the horse races, and I never get invited to frat parties! 

Lina: Oh Rezo...I wouldn't have thrown you away if I knew...that you're so powerful! 

Rezo: You haven't been paying attention at all since I said that, have you? 

Gourry: Hey Rinaldo-- 

Rezo: It's Rezo. 

Gourry: Rezo. You know, your life can't be all that bad. I mean, I've had to _live_ with Lina most of my life, and let me tell you, what you went through is _nothing_ compared to what I go through on a daily basis-- 

Lina: Flare Arrow. 

Gourry: WAH! You see what I mean?! 

Rezo: But you must at least have a chance at happiness, yes? You will one day get married and live in a beautiful home, with charming little children who love and adore you. 

Lina: You obviously haven't actually met any real kids. 

Rezo: (ignoring her) But I will never realize this dream...because chicks don't dig blind guys. Well, except for that one creepy delusional girl in skimpy black leather who kept _following me_-- 

Lina: Aah! Naga! 

Rezo: What are you yelling about? Anyway, I have not come here merely to lament my sucky life. I have a demand to make of you, Inverse, and as my creator you have a duty toward me that requires you to fulfill my wish. 

Lina: What's this 'duty' thing everyone keeps talking about? 

Gourry: Be serious for once, Lina! 

Lina: Oh, I'm serious, Gourry. Dead serious. Just because I don't act all gloomy and doomy doesn't mean I'm not. (turns to Rezo) Before I hear your demand, I've got one of my own, and you have a duty too, as my creation, to comply with it. Now, tell me how you stole the Philosopher's Stone and framed Martina. 

Rezo: Am I such a worthless creature that you are already convinced of my guilt? You think that I am only capable of vice and misdeed? 

Lina: No, it's just that Gourry actually saw you take the Philosopher's Stone. 

Rezo: Oh. Well, here's what happened; I spent many months researching ways to cure my blindness, and came across a spell that could work. But I needed the power of the Philosopher's Stone to carry it out. 

Lina: So you somehow found out the Stone was hidden in my house, then broke into my vault and stole it? 

Rezo: Actually, I was just trying to steal some money, and your estate was a fine target since I have no compunctions about robbing _you_ dry. I picked up the statue by chance, along with as much gold as I could carry, not knowing the Stone was hidden inside. 

Lina: You stole my MONEY, too?! And your stupid plot device is soooo contrived...wait, why haven't you cured yourself yet? 

Rezo: The spell is...dangerous, and I still care enough about this uncaring world that I will not try it. Yet. 

Lina: You're scared, aren't you? 

Rezo: Bitch. 

Gourry: Hold it! Lina, didn't you hear him? That spell is gonna put the whole world in danger! 

Lina: Eh? I must've missed that. I'm kind of used to ultra dangerous spells by now...anyway, what about Martina? 

Rezo: Hm? You mean the girl I planted the statue on? 

Lina: Why did you involve her in this? Did you have some sort of grudge against her? ...Wait, let me use some Amelia-type logic: you saw her supposed joyful innocence or something and-- 

Rezo: I can't see. 

Lina: DON'T INTERRUPT! Ahem. You...sensed her joyful innocence with some neat astral plane trick, and realized you could never share in those sort of feel-good...feelings with another person. So you took out your futile despair and anger with society out on Martina? 

Rezo: No, she was just annoying me. I met her at the grocery store. She had this cackling, obnoxious laugh, and horrible taste in battle bikinis, with these ugly spiked shoulder guards. 

Gourry: Hey, how did you see-- 

Lina: AAH! NAGA!! 

Rezo: Will you stop doing that? 

Lina: Sorry, reflex response. Please continue. 

Rezo: ...Okay, um...right, and it was really irritating when she kept muttering "Zoamel Gustarse" or something in her sleep. 

Lina: Yeh, definitely Martina...hey waitaminute, how come you were with her when she was asleep? You two didn't...? 

Rezo: Get your mind out of the gutter, Inverse. She was asleep because I knocked her out when she got too annoying. 

Lina: Ah. 

Rezo: Bonked her with my staff. Twice! Ye gods, that was fun. 

Lina: (trying to get her mind out of the gutter) And then you must have planted the statue on her. How come there weren't any witnesses? 

Rezo: I was in the abandoned "foreign cheeses" aisle. 

Lina: I see. 

Rezo: So. Inverse, I have fulfilled your demand. Now you must fulfill mine. But first, know this: I make this demand for the good of this hateful society, which I once hoped would love and accept me, because I still have the capacity to care in this frozen heart of mine. Unlike you, I might add. All I wish for is that you allow one happiness for me; then I shall leave the company of man forever. Now, hear my demand, creator! 

Lina: I'm listening. 

Rezo: ... 

Gourry: If it helps, I'm listening too. 

Rezo: ... 

Lina: Any day now. 

Rezo: ...Look, it's kind of...embarrassing. 

Lina: Just say it--I don't have all day! 

Rezo: I demand...a companion so I can...you know. 

Lina: Eh? Know what? 

Rezo: You know...that thing you need a partner to do. Everyone does it. It's a human need. 

Gourry: I know what he means. 

Lina: (amazed) You do? 

Gourry: Sure, 'course I do. It's pretty obvious, Lina, except maybe to little girls. (to Rezo) You can go now. I'll tell her what you mean. 

Rezo: Thank you, good sir. Despite your affiliation with HER, you are very wise and perceptive. 

Lina: (sarcastically) Isn't he. 

Rezo: And you, my dear creator, had better get cracking on my companion! 

Lina: Uh...I can't make you a companion! I leased my lab out to Zelgadis for a year. 

Rezo: You can use my laboratory in Old Sairaag. The password is 'chicken'. 

Lina: Rats. 

Rezo: No no, chicken. Give my companion some nicer clothes than mine, will you? Something nice and feminine. I will be checking on you in one month. 

(Rezo flies away with a fancy magical light show accompaniment.) 

Lina: Sheesh. So Gourry, what did he mean? It had better not be what I think it means, 'cause then I'd _really_ have to call men pigs. 

Gourry: (sagely) He needs a companion to play checkers with. Someone challenging, someone at the same intellectual level as him. 

Lina: (skeptically) Really. 

Gourry: Yeah, really. 

Lina: Oookay, since he seemed to agree with you, then I know just the thing to make him happy and stop bugging me. And it shouldn't be that hard to do, since I've done it once already... 

Gourry: You know, I wonder why he didn't just cast that spell to take away his blindness? 

Lina: Feh. I bet he _can't_ cast the spell, even with the Philosopher's Stone. Or maybe he can't get anyone to like him because of his bad personality, so he blames it on his blindness, and he needs me to _make_ a companion to fill up the aching void in his life blah blah blah. Typical male behavior. I bet that whole social conscience act was just...well, an act. 

(Gourry snores.) 

Lina: (sighing) Let's get out of here. 

* * *

Lina and Gourry return to the Inverse estate, and meet up with Zelgadis and Amelia to tell them all that transpired atop the snowy, isolated peaks where abides the monster of Lina's creation. The chimera and the princess act suitably shocked and apalled. 

Zel and Amelia: GASP! 

Once that task is done, and Amelia is given some sedatives to calm her down, Lina decides to get started on making Rezo's companion. Alone. 

Lina: I know you guys probably want to help me out with digging through graves and attaching spare body parts and wading through intestines and spleens and-- 

Amelia: Not really. 

Gourry: What? I lost you at hello. 

Zel: I'm no longer bound by that bloody contract of yours. 

Lina: Well, FINE! Be that way! I'll do it myself then! Alone! 

Gourry: I'll come with you, even though I don't really understand what you're doing, since I'm your, you know, protector and all. 

Amelia: Oh! I see your plan, Gourry-san! You and Lina-san all alone together in a dark, cozy little lab, with her jumping into your arms at every creepy bump in the night... 

Lina: ARGH! For the last time, WE ARE NOT LIKE THAT!!! I am LEAVING, and no one better follow me, unless you want a fireball shoved down your pants!! 

Amelia: Okay. Well, not the fireball down the pants thing, but the leave you alone thing I can do. 

Zel: Fine with me. 

Gourry: Can you repeat everything you said, Lina? 

Tearing herself away from the soothing company of her friends and her, uh, completely platonic relationship with her fiance, Lina heads to Sairaag, where she finds Rezo's lab in the old part of the city. She takes stock of the marvelous capabilities of the lab... 

Lina: Holy mother of Ceipheed! Everything in here is bursting with magical power! I'm swiping all of it when I leave! 

...and sets up all her fancy schmancy magical equipment required for the creation of a human. Then realizes she has no idea what to do. 

Lina: Damn it, I really do need someone's help. And Zelgadis won't help me--now that he's got my lab for a year, he's got no reason to. I think I can handle assembling a body and imbuing it with life, but for the process I've got in mind I'll need an expert in another field... 

Now, Lina may seem like a slightly mad, power-hungry, legendary sorceress who is feared by anyone with half a brain (even Gourry), but she's really just an ordinary girl on the inside. Really. So she seeks help like any ordinary person would... 

(One week later) 

Eris: Are you the one who placed an ad in the newspaper looking for a copy homoculus expert? 

Lina: Yep. I'm making a copy of someone, and you're going to help me. Let's get started right now! 

Eris: Well, to tell you the truth I specialize in chimeras... 

Lina: I don't care, as long as you know how to make copies. Come on, hurry up, I'm not paying you to just stand there! 

Eris: Hmph. Who are we copying? 

Lina: A, um, acquaintance of mine. I've got some of his hair to work with here-- 

Eris: (gasping like a fish) I'd recognize that rich shade of velvety purple anywhere! That's Rezo-sama's hair! Why...why are you making a copy of him? He's not...dead, is he? 

Lina: No, he just...asked me to make a companion for him. For intellectual stimulation or something, I guess. 

Eris: Oh, Rezo-sama, why? Was I not worthy to be your companion? Did your all-consuming quest blind you to my needs? 

Lina: Lady, the last thing I want to hear about is your _needs_-- 

Eris: (ignoring her) But never mind that! If Rezo-sama wishes for a copy, then I shall do everything in my power to provide him with one! 

Lina: Goody. 

Together, the two talented sorceresses work with the professionalism of their trade, their efforts in perfect harmony with each other. 

Eris: Stand aside, child, and let me do everything. I don't want you messing up this delicate process. 

Lina: Hey, I'M the one calling the shots here, so you have to listen to me! 

Eris: As if I'd follow the lead of an inexperienced child! 

Lina: Tacky, leather-wearing slut... 

Eris: Flat-chested, immature little brat... 

(collective glares) 

Eris: You don't know what you're doing! 

Lina: The hell I don't! 

Eris: That's right, you don't! I won't let you ruin Rezo-sama's beautiful visage! Now give me those eyeballs! 

Lina: No! 

...the results are predictable. 

* * *

The stiff body lying on the cold steel table is monstrously huge, at least seven feet tall. Its clothes, being chosen by Eris, are of questionable taste, and, strangely, resemble a white dress (Rezo did say he wanted his companion to wear nice, feminine clothing). Its pale hand clenches a sorcerer's staff in a death-like grip. Oddly, the staff is held up in the air so that it is perpendicular to the table the monster lies on. The creature's pale, delicately-featured face is framed by longish (for a man) strands of straight purple hair. In fact, it looks like nothing so much as-- 

Eris: Rezo-sama! He looks just like Rezo-sama! 

Lina: No duh, he's supposed to be an exact copy. Except for that extra liver in there... 

Eris: Oh, shut up. I'm sure everything is fine, despite your bungling. 

Lina: Digu volt! 

(This is what you call 'killing two birds with one hefty stone'. Lina takes the opportunity to fry Eris, and also to send electricity into the inert body of Rezo's copy. You know what happens next.) 

Lina: It's alive, it's alive, yadda yadda yadda. 

Eris: He's ALIVE! Rezo-sama! 

Kopii: Who? What? Where? When? Why? Hellooooo, nurse! 

Eris: Rezo-sama! I am your loyal servant, Eris. 

Koppi: Er-is? I...have a vague memory...a sort of far-off dream, like I'm remembering someone else's life...and you are in it. 

Eris: You have the original Rezo's memories...you remember me! 

Kopii: Yeah. You were annoying. (Blasts a hole through Eris's chest) 

Eris: W-why...? Rezo-sama... (dies) 

Lina: Crap. This is _not_ good. 

Kopii: Understatement of the year, Inverse. 

(Kopii turns his closed eyes toward her...and opens them. One eye is normal, but the other is a scary Mazoku eye.) 

Lina: I knew Eris grabbed the wrong eyeball jar but nooooo, she wouldn't listen to me... 

Kopii: You. You are our creator. His creator. Mine. 

Lina: Er... 

Kopii: I don't like you much either. 

(He tries to fireball Lina to kingdom come, his will be done, but Kopii's a newborn and can't control his magic all that well. Kids these days....anyway, Lina escapes with relative ease. She raywings out of Rezo's underground lab, placing a seal on the door behind her. Huffing and puffing from her hurried flight outta there, she stands with uncharacteristic uncertainty in the cold night air of Sairaag.) 

Lina: That's not going to hold him forever. Shit! What am I going to do? 

(Her seldom-heard conscience fairy is screaming at her about thinking through the consequences of her actions _before_ performing the act...Lina kicks away the conscience fairy.) 

Lina: What a crappy day. 

Gourry: Lina! 

Zel: Lina! 

Amelia: Lina-san! 

Lina: It just got crappier, too. 

Rezo: You bet it did. 

Lina: Rezo! Uh...hi! I finished your copy for you, it's down in the lab, it's slightly psychotic, but who cares, bye! 

Rezo: (Freeze arrows her feet to the ground) What do you mean by "copy"? 

Lina: (Looks vaguely panicked) That's what you wanted, isn't it? A companion to do that thing you do with? 

Rezo: Fool! I wanted a female! 

(Everyone gets an 'Oh! I see!' look on their faces.) 

Amelia: I guess men really _are_ pigs. 

Lina: But...but Gourry said-- 

(Gourry gives her a blank expression.) 

Gourry: I don't know what you're talking about. Is it something to do with pigs? I kind of lost track of the conversation. And who's this Ritzo guy anyway? 

Lina: GOURRY, you STUPID-- 

Rezo: Silence! There is no excuse, Inverse; you have not fulfilled my demand. And for that, I shall destroy everything you love until you are as wretched as me! 

Lina: (horrified) You mean... 

Rezo: Yes! I shall kill all our friends, starting with...her! (points at Amelia) 

Zel: Aaaaand that's going to hurt Lina how? 

Amelia: (distraught) Zelgadis-san! 

Gourry: He was just kidding, Amelia. I think. 

Lina: You plan to kill all my friends so I'll become a blubbering, whiny mess. Like you. 

Rezo: I wouldn't put it that way, but that's the gist of it. 

Lina: So who's next on the hitlist, after Amelia? 

Rezo: Next I'll kill your pet chimera-- 

Zel: That's 'licensed assistant'. 

Rezo: And as the coup de grace, the emotional climax, the most heart-wrenching despir I can bestow on your most unworthy head-- 

Lina: Get on with it. 

Rezo: I will be with you on your wedding night! (poses dramatically) 

Lina: What's that supposed to mean? I'm not getting married, damnit! 

Rezo: I shall kill your fiance, fool! (poses dramatically again) 

(Everyone gasps in horror.) 

Gourry: So who's he gonna kill? 

Rezo: (wobbles) 

Amelia: That's _you_, Gourry-san! 

Lina: Is not! 

Amelia: Is so! Luna arranged it when your parents died! 

Gourry: Can I ask a question? 

Lina: Only if it's an intelligent one. 

Gourry: What's a fiance? 

Lina: ...That wasn't an intelligent question. 

Zel: Save it for Season Two, Gourry. 

Rezo: AHEM! If you'll all kindly direct your attention to me, since I'm making a very dramatic threat here, and I _am_ the main villain-- 

Zel: No you're not, Lina's the villain. 

Lina: Yeah, Lina's the--what?! 

Zel: Gothic hero-villain. Didn't you know? 

Lina: You've been in the lab too long, Zel. The fumes must be getting to you. 

Rezo: AHEM, AGAIN! Look I just have ONE more really important thing to say before I make my dramatic exit! CAPICHE?! 

(Everyone cowers silently.) 

Rezo: ...Actually, come to think of it, I don't. Just, like, beware my wrath or something, creator. 

Lina: Sure. But to tell you the truth, I don't really fear your 'wrath'. I don't particularly care if you kill off my friends. It'd kind of be convenient, actually. 

Gourry: Lina! 

Amelia: Lina-san! How can you say that? 

Zel: I'll admit, even I'm shocked. 

Rezo: You truly are a heartless, despicable monster, Inverse. I have no qualms about killing you now. Not that I did before, but now my actions are justified. 

Amelia: That's awfully twisted justice. 

Lina: So now what're you planning to do to me? 

Rezo: Hmm...I'll have to rethink my vengeance. But know this: unpleasant justice shall be served by my hands! 

Lina: 'Unpleasant'? 

Amelia: There's that weird justice again. 

Rezo: Oh, shut up. (Walks away into the mist, annoyed) 

Zel: Well, that was productive. 

Gourry: Lina! Would you really not care if we died? 

Lina: Of course not! Have some faith in me, people! I'd be one seriously messed-up, emotionally unbalanced, destructive person with no regard for friendship or human life if I felt that way...what? 

Zel: Nothing. 

Amelia: I never doubted you, Lina-san! I knew that your justice-loving heart that binds our eternal friendship would-- 

Lina: Although, if you died I wouldn't have to deal with your speeches anymore... 

Amelia: Hey! 

Lina: And I wouldn't have to marry Gourry, and I could have my lab back... 

Gourry and Zel: Hey! 

Lina: Okay, okay! I was just kidding. 

(Everyone glares at her.) 

Lina: I was! Look, I told Rezo I wouldn't care if you died so he wouldn't try to kill all of you. Okay? 

Zel: That might have been a foolish decision...he might decide the best way to get his vengeance will be to use the Philosopher's Stone... 

Amelia: Yeah, he's not only angry at you, right? He's angry at all of society. Imagine the sort of big, beautiful, building-toppling explosions he can cause with the Philosopher's Stone! (sighs dreamily) 

Lina: Eh, let's go home for now and worry about it later. After all, there's not much one puny sorcerer can do against the great Lina Inverse! 

(Thunder crashes ominously.) 

Lina: Maybe I shouldn't tempt FATE like that... 

* * *

Author's notes: 

I put more events into this chapter than I intended. Oh well, it flows better like this. Er, that's about all I have to say. No idea when the next chapter is coming out, but it'll probably have Sylphiel in it. Hurrah! 


End file.
